I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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