Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
