I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
