If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
