i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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