they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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