You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
