Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
