Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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