I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
