Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
