How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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