I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
