they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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