he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
