how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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