Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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