why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Pants are for mortals
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
