My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
