There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
