At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
