Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
