Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
