This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
