There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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