I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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