Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
