sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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