You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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