You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
