Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
