Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What drink are we having for lunch?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
