just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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