my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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