Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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