the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
