just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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