that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
