i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
