I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize