if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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