I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
