dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
