i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What drink are we having for lunch?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
