you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
