tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
