you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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