don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
