i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
