I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
