life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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