did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You are a genius and a whore.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
