Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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