i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize