this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
