A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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