You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
whose ass print is on the piano?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
