Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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