Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish you could order shots online.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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